[I wrote this post listening to Bon Iver's "I Can't Make You Love Me"
over and over, in case you want to read it while doing the same.]

So, my sources tell me that today was Fat Tuesday. Also known as Shrove Tuesday, as I learned this year– something about pancakes. I’m all for pancakes.

For some reason, I feel totally unprepared for Lent 2012. Normally I can give it some prep time, some advance thinking, feel good about my chosen Lenten fast. Not this year. I’ve given it some thought today, though not much. I was too distracted by work details and Craigslist sales and whatever else.

Previous Lent fasts have included: tea (because I love it so much), sleep (because I love it so much), sweets (because I love them so much), reading (because I love it so much)… are you sensing the theme? I’m sure there were others things, too, fasted from with varying degrees of success. I don’t exactly have the most will power of everyone I know, so some years Lent has proven to be a ridiculous display of my inability to abstain from chocolate for 40 days, or even 1 day, for crying out loud. I don’t even like chocolate that much (not compared to Twizzlers) but when I’m trying not to eat it… then it’s all I want.

You know the feeling.

This year, I’m coming up blank. And it’s curious, really, because I can’t remember the last time something didn’t come to mind when I was preparing for Lent. God is usually so faithful to send that prick of the Spirit and point me to the way I can sacrifice for Him… the year I fasted from sleep, I realized how much I cherish sleep and feeling well-rested. My ‘fast’ was to get up at 5:30am every day, regardless of when I’d gone to bed the night before, regardless of what the day ahead held. I spent those early morning hours reading, singing, walking, watching the sunrise… and wouldn’t you know, I ended up enjoying it so much that I continued the habit for a month or more past Easter. The sacrifice ended up being a true blessing.

I don’t ever want my sacrifice for God to be of my own volition; I want it to be the sacrifice of God’s choosing. Because when I choose, I get prideful about it, I give up things for selfish reasons, I make sacrifices secretly [or not so secretly] hoping that it will prompt God to the action I’m too impatient to wait for any longer. And loving God isn’t a formula like fasting + prayer = what I want.

So when I ask God about Lent, and I listen for His answer… and I’ve got nothing… well, I take that for what it is. I love Lent and what it can bring to this season of the year. I always want to be willing to enter into the time of sacrifice, reflection, and solemnity. But it seems possible to me that in answer to my question, God might say, “Come to New York with Me, Raleigh.” That doesn’t exactly seem like the right kind of answer. But then, He doesn’t exactly fit into my boxes.

“For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings.” [Hosea 6:6]

I may wake up on Ash Wednesday and know how I can sacrifice this year. Or I may feel the same way I do tonight… and I’ll trust that this different way of walking through Lent, more as an observer than participant, is simply one more step and spin in my dance with Him. And I’ll be sure to share what He teaches me, regardless.

Happy Lenting, everyone.